Why are we so afraid of the self?

Spending time alone is undesirable, apparently. I tell my mentor my plans for a quiet weekend at home, and get asked 'don't you have a social life??' Well how can I not? But is my preference for quiet reflection something to be pitied - a pathetic substitute compensating for a lack of social skills?

Somehow 'the self' has achieved some sort of taboo status in our society. The words 'selfish' and 'narcissistic' carry enough negative connotation to make us avoid them like the plague. I once asked a friend who was filled with doubt about university, her career, and life in general: what is your strongest passion? What aspect of the world would you like to change, if given the chance? I was met with a blank stare and mumbles of 'dunno...lots of things...perhaps.' I could tell by the glossed-over look in her eyes that it was foreign territory to her, and a scary, primal one at that.

I have been in many such conversations, and it's no surprise really. Education does not ask us these questions (not at the proper stages anyway); obligations and circumstances discourage anything that is not 'proper' and 'realistic'. We are taught to drink in the findings of those before us, because one man alone is an insignificant force - I happen to agree with this sentiment, except in the context of personal development, education, or Bildung, whichever term you may prefer.

The argument is: no one but you can truly know yourself. Others might be able to piece together a larger picture that you have missed, but say what you will, you are the key keeper to your thoughts and experiences. (It might seem like I'm going to go off on a tangent, but it'll come together later on, promise.)

This leads us to the thing called purpose. A lack of purpose can be destructive, like any old-timer might tell you. Like identity, purpose was once considered as fixed and god-given: men were supposed to provide for the family, women were supposed to rear children. This view has been challenged. We now have greater freedom over our bodies and minds than any other time in history. So many choices - now what?

Religion is a time-tested place to find purpose. Actually it's the perfect place - your purpose in life is to serve the Lord, full stop. There it is, clear as day. It has been the salvation of many souls, the solution to many problems, and could well be the Grand Unification Theory...if only there existed just one religion. Too bad n>1.

But hang on, even if we're always at odds with someone else and prone to splattering blood and guts, aren't there things that appeal to us all as human beings? Off the top of my head,

• The absence of hunger, disease, and threat;
• Access to tools, transport, education;
• Family, friends - human contact;
• Essential possessions...

Why not make it your purpose to improve one of these things for humankind? Think about it. You do not have to move mountains or appease crowds - securing one thing for one person is a change for the better. Of course, you could always aim for more. An even better prospect:

What if you do better at some things than others? What if you like doing something better than everything else? Perhaps by nature you are not very comfortable interacting with large groups of people. You are, however, able to explain to them on paper stuff they otherwise wouldn't understand. It sounds like Elysium, everyone playing to their strengths and interests instead of trying to live up to expectations. It's certainly possible. Maybe it just hasn't occurred to you yet. Now for the ultimate question:

How would you set about finding your purpose? In other words, what are you most suited for? This is where the 'self' comes in. We need to pinpoint our strengths and passions, and...you guessed it, it's up to the key keeper to let us in. Spend time with yourself, asking questions and pursuing arguments. Use that information to find your purpose in life. It doesn't even have to be precise. It will, however, be the first step towards personal fulfilment, happiness, and above all, world peace.

This is why I think reflecting on the self is necessary and important. And, after all, it's only bad when you think too much of yourself and fail to realise that other people exist too:)

Seaworthy

Be still, my heart,
For doubt there is no more -
Search in vain no longer on
The winding shore -

Set sail, my heart,
For time has come at last:
I see a clear horizon and
A shining mast.

What if there isn't a solution after all?

This struck me hard - very hard - today.

My mind has always operated under the impression that all this searching and striving will result in an 'aha' situation where that wall of fear finally gets knocked down and I start functioning at full potential. I got into this mindset because said fear a) does not seem insurmountable, but b) hasn't budged over time, leading to the theory that it must be overcome with a 'phase transition', eg like how water absorbs energy as the temperature rises only to transform into vapour at the boiling point. So naturally I assumed that as long as I tried and tried and tried again, at some point everything would suddenly click into place and I would be able to do what other students do blindfolded hanging upside-down with their hands tied behind their backs (read: actually be able to think about the stuff they're studying).

BUT, I hear you cry, what if you're doing the wrong thing? For example, cooling the pan of water when you want it to boil? Or not applying enough heat? I've been thinking about that all along, and have been trying to circumvent it by getting to the heart of the problem and examining the components with a microscope to find out what's going wrong. I'm pretty sure I have them nailed: sensitivity, unconventional learning style, perfectionism, and self-esteem issues. Surely tackling these problems would be the first step to undoing the damage?

This brings us back to the title of this post - it had dawned on me that the fear I'm seeking to undo may not even be undo-able. Like the loss of sight. Or a permanent scar. Or in my case, a disability to engage in one's studies.

A slightly kinder explanation would be that I will eventually overcome that fear, only not in the timeframe (ie undergraduate years) that would allow me to build an academic career. Which has been my ultimate dream all along. Which would be nigh impossible should I blow this chance. Which is too depressing to think about:(

I cannot dismiss these thoughts because they carry weight and reason - heck I've suddenly realised that someone has hinted at them for quite some time already. Perhaps I really should just drop this mess and go train as an accountant instead? (That sentence just crushed a piece of my soul that did.)

What the stars. I don't know how I did it but here I am doing the degree of my dreams - no one can deny that. To hell with responsibility and regrets. Yes, I am going to give up on 'undoing the fear'. Who knows, this might be the catalyst. I'm going to go forth, have fun and not feel guilty about not doing 'work'.

It's going to be the hardest hurdle yet, this 'unlearning'. I've everything to lose...then again, I've also everything to gain.

New Year's Resolutions. Because planning is fun.

Last year's resolutions were a flop: I only got 37 such entries down in 2009, and sporadic ones at that. BUT. There's always something to learn from failures, isn't there? A few lessons learned:

• I can't even trust myself. Look at that glaring 'I hope...', it's exactly the kind of thing my counsellor warns me against (not that she actually warned me per se, but you get the idea). Assertiveness is going to be a key area to work on.


• Making lists is a distraction in itself. 'Oh look I ticked all these things off the list today, it's not like a day wasted, is it?' A quick flip through my diary shows precious few work related items, such as 'read ch.6', 'write up essay plan' etc. The majority are pseudo-work actions, like 'print handouts', 'get cereal', 'renew books', 'do laundry'. Granted, doing menial tasks is better than doing nothing, but they serve as iron-clad reasons to procrastinate and be glad about it. Not good.


• I am too hard on myself. Sure, all the problem is is this primal aversion to non-self-appointed work (which is devastating and renders me the ultimate oxymoron). BUT, I've come to terms with this now: it's not your fault you can't concentrate on work, stop punishing yourself, get help, relaaaaax. Like dear Phineas said, the old me 'would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own...[juices, or whatever.]' Hello?? That is so not cool. At all. Nobody likes a whiner, even when s/he doesn't audibly whine.

That just about sums up the bad stuff. Now for the good stuff:

• I gave up printouts. It was a hard and risky step, but a wise one in retrospect. My rationale for this was that they encouraged wool-gathering in lectures ('it's all on the printout, see?') and were not very environmentally friendly. The change was for the better: in just one semester I accumulated nearly a hundred pages of notes, complete with hand drawn diagrams. Note taking keeps my mind and hands active even in the most unholy early morning lectures.


• I've gotten into the habit of checking email first thing in the morning, on my mobile phone. It prevents suspense from building up and sucking me into the internet later on in the day. I still sulk in that frustrating but blissfully hypnotic web-surfing state whenever I fail at something badly, but on the whole the situation's improved a lot. I no longer have the urge to sink into hypnosis whenever I walk into my room or open the laptop, which is great. The first step towards healing, I might add.


• I've made unbelievable progress in the music department. The last time I had lessons and regularly played the piano was perhaps 7 years ago - I'd picked it up again for about a year or two, got a Grade 2 certificate, then left it off. (It totally confirms my 'primal aversion to non-self-appointed work' theory!) With such a shoddy record of piano lessons, I'm surprised that a year into this music thing and I've shifted from merely pressing keys to turning out technically challenging (grade 4-5, FWIW), emotionally charged bits of music. Dad calls it an epiphany. All I know is that it's the best way to let out frustration (I've loads).


• Last but not least there is the 'learning styles' breakthrough, and with it the recently discovered 'primal aversion to non-self-appointed work'. 2006 was the year I really started making progress on the 'what the heck is wrong with me' project, and seeing the answer emerge bit by bit is just fascinating and empowering. 2010 will be no different of course - who knows, I might even overcome my aversion/fear of work!

It seems that smaller, well-thought-out goals take hold easier. Hence I put down this year's resolutions as such:

• 1. I shall achieve intense concentration every day. Course-related material gets priority. Lectures count, as do philosophical debates, current affairs, general reading, and dissertation preparation. But fanciful thoughts and web browsing do not.


• 2. Starting first week of the spring semester, I shall talk to lecturers during their office hours, even if I have not done the reading - and tell them about my need to overcome this aversion/fear.


• 3. Starting first week of the spring semester, I shall write a course-related blog post every weekday (not on this blog though). Writing things down really helps me make sense of them. The rules from no.1 apply.


• 4. I shall single out self-deprecating thoughts and consider whether they are necessary - if not, they will be banished.


• 5. I shall sleep at bed time every night and not worry about the consequences.


• 6. I shall check the floor for hair whenever I shower. (Even if I'll legally blind without glasses on!)


• 7. I shall not fret if this doesn't all go to plan.

Oh - and I should probably make a plaque that reads DON'T PANIC ;)