- I can't even trust myself. Look at that glaring 'I hope...', it's exactly the kind of thing my counsellor warns me against (not that she actually warned me per se, but you get the idea). Assertiveness is going to be a key area to work on.
- Making lists is a distraction in itself. 'Oh look I ticked all these things off the list today, it's not like a day wasted, is it?' A quick flip through my diary shows precious few work related items, such as 'read ch.6', 'write up essay plan' etc. The majority are pseudo-work actions, like 'print handouts', 'get cereal', 'renew books', 'do laundry'. Granted, doing menial tasks is better than doing nothing, but they serve as iron-clad reasons to procrastinate and be glad about it. Not good.
- I am too hard on myself. Sure, all the problem is is this primal aversion to non-self-appointed work (which is devastating and renders me the ultimate oxymoron). BUT, I've come to terms with this now: it's not your fault you can't concentrate on work, stop punishing yourself, get help, relaaaaax. Like dear Phineas said, the old me 'would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own...[juices, or whatever.]' Hello?? That is so not cool. At all. Nobody likes a whiner, even when s/he doesn't audibly whine.
That just about sums up the bad stuff. Now for the good stuff:
- I gave up printouts. It was a hard and risky step, but a wise one in retrospect. My rationale for this was that they encouraged wool-gathering in lectures ('it's all on the printout, see?') and were not very environmentally friendly. The change was for the better: in just one semester I accumulated nearly a hundred pages of notes, complete with hand drawn diagrams. Note taking keeps my mind and hands active even in the most unholy early morning lectures.
- I've gotten into the habit of checking email first thing in the morning, on my mobile phone. It prevents suspense from building up and sucking me into the internet later on in the day. I still sulk in that frustrating but blissfully hypnotic web-surfing state whenever I fail at something badly, but on the whole the situation's improved a lot. I no longer have the urge to sink into hypnosis whenever I walk into my room or open the laptop, which is great. The first step towards healing, I might add.
- I've made unbelievable progress in the music department. The last time I had lessons and regularly played the piano was perhaps 7 years ago - I'd picked it up again for about a year or two, got a Grade 2 certificate, then left it off. (It totally confirms my 'primal aversion to non-self-appointed work' theory!) With such a shoddy record of piano lessons, I'm surprised that a year into this music thing and I've shifted from merely pressing keys to turning out technically challenging (grade 4-5, FWIW), emotionally charged bits of music. Dad calls it an epiphany. All I know is that it's the best way to let out frustration (I've loads).
- Last but not least there is the 'learning styles' breakthrough, and with it the recently discovered 'primal aversion to non-self-appointed work'. 2006 was the year I really started making progress on the 'what the heck is wrong with me' project, and seeing the answer emerge bit by bit is just fascinating and empowering. 2010 will be no different of course - who knows, I might even overcome my aversion/fear of work!
It seems that smaller, well-thought-out goals take hold easier. Hence I put down this year's resolutions as such:
- 1. I shall achieve intense concentration every day. Course-related material gets priority. Lectures count, as do philosophical debates, current affairs, general reading, and dissertation preparation. But fanciful thoughts and web browsing do not.
- 2. Starting first week of the spring semester, I shall talk to lecturers during their office hours, even if I have not done the reading - and tell them about my need to overcome this aversion/fear.
- 3. Starting first week of the spring semester, I shall write a course-related blog post every weekday (not on this blog though). Writing things down really helps me make sense of them. The rules from no.1 apply.
- 4. I shall single out self-deprecating thoughts and consider whether they are necessary - if not, they will be banished.
- 5. I shall sleep at bed time every night and not worry about the consequences.
- 6. I shall check the floor for hair whenever I shower. (Even if I'll legally blind without glasses on!)
- 7. I shall not fret if this doesn't all go to plan.
Oh - and I should probably make a plaque that reads DON'T PANIC ;)