What if there isn't a solution after all?

This struck me hard - very hard - today.

My mind has always operated under the impression that all this searching and striving will result in an 'aha' situation where that wall of fear finally gets knocked down and I start functioning at full potential. I got into this mindset because said fear a) does not seem insurmountable, but b) hasn't budged over time, leading to the theory that it must be overcome with a 'phase transition', eg like how water absorbs energy as the temperature rises only to transform into vapour at the boiling point. So naturally I assumed that as long as I tried and tried and tried again, at some point everything would suddenly click into place and I would be able to do what other students do blindfolded hanging upside-down with their hands tied behind their backs (read: actually be able to think about the stuff they're studying).

BUT, I hear you cry, what if you're doing the wrong thing? For example, cooling the pan of water when you want it to boil? Or not applying enough heat? I've been thinking about that all along, and have been trying to circumvent it by getting to the heart of the problem and examining the components with a microscope to find out what's going wrong. I'm pretty sure I have them nailed: sensitivity, unconventional learning style, perfectionism, and self-esteem issues. Surely tackling these problems would be the first step to undoing the damage?

This brings us back to the title of this post - it had dawned on me that the fear I'm seeking to undo may not even be undo-able. Like the loss of sight. Or a permanent scar. Or in my case, a disability to engage in one's studies.

A slightly kinder explanation would be that I will eventually overcome that fear, only not in the timeframe (ie undergraduate years) that would allow me to build an academic career. Which has been my ultimate dream all along. Which would be nigh impossible should I blow this chance. Which is too depressing to think about:(

I cannot dismiss these thoughts because they carry weight and reason - heck I've suddenly realised that someone has hinted at them for quite some time already. Perhaps I really should just drop this mess and go train as an accountant instead? (That sentence just crushed a piece of my soul that did.)

What the stars. I don't know how I did it but here I am doing the degree of my dreams - no one can deny that. To hell with responsibility and regrets. Yes, I am going to give up on 'undoing the fear'. Who knows, this might be the catalyst. I'm going to go forth, have fun and not feel guilty about not doing 'work'.

It's going to be the hardest hurdle yet, this 'unlearning'. I've everything to lose...then again, I've also everything to gain.