Why are we so afraid of the self?

Spending time alone is undesirable, apparently. I tell my mentor my plans for a quiet weekend at home, and get asked 'don't you have a social life??' Well how can I not? But is my preference for quiet reflection something to be pitied - a pathetic substitute compensating for a lack of social skills?

Somehow 'the self' has achieved some sort of taboo status in our society. The words 'selfish' and 'narcissistic' carry enough negative connotation to make us avoid them like the plague. I once asked a friend who was filled with doubt about university, her career, and life in general: what is your strongest passion? What aspect of the world would you like to change, if given the chance? I was met with a blank stare and mumbles of 'dunno...lots of things...perhaps.' I could tell by the glossed-over look in her eyes that it was foreign territory to her, and a scary, primal one at that.

I have been in many such conversations, and it's no surprise really. Education does not ask us these questions (not at the proper stages anyway); obligations and circumstances discourage anything that is not 'proper' and 'realistic'. We are taught to drink in the findings of those before us, because one man alone is an insignificant force - I happen to agree with this sentiment, except in the context of personal development, education, or Bildung, whichever term you may prefer.

The argument is: no one but you can truly know yourself. Others might be able to piece together a larger picture that you have missed, but say what you will, you are the key keeper to your thoughts and experiences. (It might seem like I'm going to go off on a tangent, but it'll come together later on, promise.)

This leads us to the thing called purpose. A lack of purpose can be destructive, like any old-timer might tell you. Like identity, purpose was once considered as fixed and god-given: men were supposed to provide for the family, women were supposed to rear children. This view has been challenged. We now have greater freedom over our bodies and minds than any other time in history. So many choices - now what?

Religion is a time-tested place to find purpose. Actually it's the perfect place - your purpose in life is to serve the Lord, full stop. There it is, clear as day. It has been the salvation of many souls, the solution to many problems, and could well be the Grand Unification Theory...if only there existed just one religion. Too bad n>1.

But hang on, even if we're always at odds with someone else and prone to splattering blood and guts, aren't there things that appeal to us all as human beings? Off the top of my head,

• The absence of hunger, disease, and threat;
• Access to tools, transport, education;
• Family, friends - human contact;
• Essential possessions...

Why not make it your purpose to improve one of these things for humankind? Think about it. You do not have to move mountains or appease crowds - securing one thing for one person is a change for the better. Of course, you could always aim for more. An even better prospect:

What if you do better at some things than others? What if you like doing something better than everything else? Perhaps by nature you are not very comfortable interacting with large groups of people. You are, however, able to explain to them on paper stuff they otherwise wouldn't understand. It sounds like Elysium, everyone playing to their strengths and interests instead of trying to live up to expectations. It's certainly possible. Maybe it just hasn't occurred to you yet. Now for the ultimate question:

How would you set about finding your purpose? In other words, what are you most suited for? This is where the 'self' comes in. We need to pinpoint our strengths and passions, and...you guessed it, it's up to the key keeper to let us in. Spend time with yourself, asking questions and pursuing arguments. Use that information to find your purpose in life. It doesn't even have to be precise. It will, however, be the first step towards personal fulfilment, happiness, and above all, world peace.

This is why I think reflecting on the self is necessary and important. And, after all, it's only bad when you think too much of yourself and fail to realise that other people exist too:)

Seaworthy

Be still, my heart,
For doubt there is no more -
Search in vain no longer on
The winding shore -

Set sail, my heart,
For time has come at last:
I see a clear horizon and
A shining mast.

What if there isn't a solution after all?

This struck me hard - very hard - today.

My mind has always operated under the impression that all this searching and striving will result in an 'aha' situation where that wall of fear finally gets knocked down and I start functioning at full potential. I got into this mindset because said fear a) does not seem insurmountable, but b) hasn't budged over time, leading to the theory that it must be overcome with a 'phase transition', eg like how water absorbs energy as the temperature rises only to transform into vapour at the boiling point. So naturally I assumed that as long as I tried and tried and tried again, at some point everything would suddenly click into place and I would be able to do what other students do blindfolded hanging upside-down with their hands tied behind their backs (read: actually be able to think about the stuff they're studying).

BUT, I hear you cry, what if you're doing the wrong thing? For example, cooling the pan of water when you want it to boil? Or not applying enough heat? I've been thinking about that all along, and have been trying to circumvent it by getting to the heart of the problem and examining the components with a microscope to find out what's going wrong. I'm pretty sure I have them nailed: sensitivity, unconventional learning style, perfectionism, and self-esteem issues. Surely tackling these problems would be the first step to undoing the damage?

This brings us back to the title of this post - it had dawned on me that the fear I'm seeking to undo may not even be undo-able. Like the loss of sight. Or a permanent scar. Or in my case, a disability to engage in one's studies.

A slightly kinder explanation would be that I will eventually overcome that fear, only not in the timeframe (ie undergraduate years) that would allow me to build an academic career. Which has been my ultimate dream all along. Which would be nigh impossible should I blow this chance. Which is too depressing to think about:(

I cannot dismiss these thoughts because they carry weight and reason - heck I've suddenly realised that someone has hinted at them for quite some time already. Perhaps I really should just drop this mess and go train as an accountant instead? (That sentence just crushed a piece of my soul that did.)

What the stars. I don't know how I did it but here I am doing the degree of my dreams - no one can deny that. To hell with responsibility and regrets. Yes, I am going to give up on 'undoing the fear'. Who knows, this might be the catalyst. I'm going to go forth, have fun and not feel guilty about not doing 'work'.

It's going to be the hardest hurdle yet, this 'unlearning'. I've everything to lose...then again, I've also everything to gain.

New Year's Resolutions. Because planning is fun.

Last year's resolutions were a flop: I only got 37 such entries down in 2009, and sporadic ones at that. BUT. There's always something to learn from failures, isn't there? A few lessons learned:

• I can't even trust myself. Look at that glaring 'I hope...', it's exactly the kind of thing my counsellor warns me against (not that she actually warned me per se, but you get the idea). Assertiveness is going to be a key area to work on.


• Making lists is a distraction in itself. 'Oh look I ticked all these things off the list today, it's not like a day wasted, is it?' A quick flip through my diary shows precious few work related items, such as 'read ch.6', 'write up essay plan' etc. The majority are pseudo-work actions, like 'print handouts', 'get cereal', 'renew books', 'do laundry'. Granted, doing menial tasks is better than doing nothing, but they serve as iron-clad reasons to procrastinate and be glad about it. Not good.


• I am too hard on myself. Sure, all the problem is is this primal aversion to non-self-appointed work (which is devastating and renders me the ultimate oxymoron). BUT, I've come to terms with this now: it's not your fault you can't concentrate on work, stop punishing yourself, get help, relaaaaax. Like dear Phineas said, the old me 'would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own...[juices, or whatever.]' Hello?? That is so not cool. At all. Nobody likes a whiner, even when s/he doesn't audibly whine.

That just about sums up the bad stuff. Now for the good stuff:

• I gave up printouts. It was a hard and risky step, but a wise one in retrospect. My rationale for this was that they encouraged wool-gathering in lectures ('it's all on the printout, see?') and were not very environmentally friendly. The change was for the better: in just one semester I accumulated nearly a hundred pages of notes, complete with hand drawn diagrams. Note taking keeps my mind and hands active even in the most unholy early morning lectures.


• I've gotten into the habit of checking email first thing in the morning, on my mobile phone. It prevents suspense from building up and sucking me into the internet later on in the day. I still sulk in that frustrating but blissfully hypnotic web-surfing state whenever I fail at something badly, but on the whole the situation's improved a lot. I no longer have the urge to sink into hypnosis whenever I walk into my room or open the laptop, which is great. The first step towards healing, I might add.


• I've made unbelievable progress in the music department. The last time I had lessons and regularly played the piano was perhaps 7 years ago - I'd picked it up again for about a year or two, got a Grade 2 certificate, then left it off. (It totally confirms my 'primal aversion to non-self-appointed work' theory!) With such a shoddy record of piano lessons, I'm surprised that a year into this music thing and I've shifted from merely pressing keys to turning out technically challenging (grade 4-5, FWIW), emotionally charged bits of music. Dad calls it an epiphany. All I know is that it's the best way to let out frustration (I've loads).


• Last but not least there is the 'learning styles' breakthrough, and with it the recently discovered 'primal aversion to non-self-appointed work'. 2006 was the year I really started making progress on the 'what the heck is wrong with me' project, and seeing the answer emerge bit by bit is just fascinating and empowering. 2010 will be no different of course - who knows, I might even overcome my aversion/fear of work!

It seems that smaller, well-thought-out goals take hold easier. Hence I put down this year's resolutions as such:

• 1. I shall achieve intense concentration every day. Course-related material gets priority. Lectures count, as do philosophical debates, current affairs, general reading, and dissertation preparation. But fanciful thoughts and web browsing do not.


• 2. Starting first week of the spring semester, I shall talk to lecturers during their office hours, even if I have not done the reading - and tell them about my need to overcome this aversion/fear.


• 3. Starting first week of the spring semester, I shall write a course-related blog post every weekday (not on this blog though). Writing things down really helps me make sense of them. The rules from no.1 apply.


• 4. I shall single out self-deprecating thoughts and consider whether they are necessary - if not, they will be banished.


• 5. I shall sleep at bed time every night and not worry about the consequences.


• 6. I shall check the floor for hair whenever I shower. (Even if I'll legally blind without glasses on!)


• 7. I shall not fret if this doesn't all go to plan.

Oh - and I should probably make a plaque that reads DON'T PANIC ;)

Small-group Game Dynamics

I'm planning my Geography Ambassador sessions for Monday. Getting a bunch of year 9/11/12s excited about geography just by talking is trickier than you think - as I found out on my first visit. So this time I'm opting for an interactive activity that has little chance of floundering, and might actually get people excited.

I know of only one game that fits the bill and is plausible in small groups: Bananagrams. In case you've never heard of it, it's a light version of Scrabble that doesn't need a board, has very simple rules, and doesn't require immense stretches of waiting. Oh and everyone makes their own crossword simultaneously. (I feel honour-bound to mention here that the game had existed under different names long before the current version was marketed.) Simply put, it's an elegantly structured game that despite lacking "traditional" reward mechanisms and player interaction, never fails to engage and entertain.

Now how to use the same principles in a geography-related activity? I've attempted to (after going 3 days on about 9 hours of sleep due to other matters) strip it down to the bare bones, in hopes of remodelling them into some thing useful. Thus...

In order to stimulate the Bananagrams mode of play, players need:

1. Unpredictable input - in the form of scrambled letter tiles
2. Independent play - each player makes their own crossword
2. Choice within structure - here structure = crossword
3. Self-imposed time limits - determined by a) the shortest length of time needed to complete each crossword, and b) the number of tiles available.

It doesn't sound much of an interactive game any more, does it? A forage into the murky waters of game theory and group dynamics is much needed, but I've already used up my quota of consecutive sanity today.

Now I'm thinking case studies and career aspirations and geoggy jargon and diamond 9 exercises and index cards...and this is so exciting!

One Learning Style to Rule Them All

I've been thinking about learning styles at lot lately (a sure indicator that work is piling up and relevant mental functions are shutting down X/). It's been a recurring wool-gathering topic of mine for nearly four years - but only recently have the outlines really begun to sharpen. The conclusion (for now) is that visual-spatial learners, global learners, holistic learners, INTPs, ADDs, what-have-you all touch on three basic functions that mark my primary learning style. I use "learning style" not "thinking pattern" because it doesn't necessarily manifest itself in mundane situations, more in larger scale operations where linear methods get unwieldy. The three functions are as follows:

1. Perceiving information, fuelled by innate curiosity. This means taking in (through reading for example) as much information as one can handle. Cast the net wide and far, and if something fascinating turns up, pursue it to the end of the world. The focus here is not on understanding or even retaining details of the material, but rather on translating it into a single internal language (abstract spatial forms in my case).

2. Processing aforementioned information, subconsciously. Yes this sounds bizarre but it's the best summary I could muster. Basically you take the gathered information and ruminate over it, not too methodically, just turning the facts over and over in your head. You place a lot of trust in the subconscious mind here, like how you can't be sure a calculator really knows how to square but presume it does anyway.

3. Presenting the results. When the subconscious processing has reached a critical level, patterns and connections start to surface and get harvested by the conscious mind, who translates them into the utility language, and subsequently stores it up and/or sends it out via the external language. Only at this stage do you actually establish an understanding of the material, which is two steps too late compared to the normal, linear learning style.

(Come to think of it, this is exactly how I write poetry)

It's a bit like making a stew really. You chop up vegetables and meat, dump the whole lot in a pot, and apply heat. The end result looks nothing like the original components, but is every bit the sum of them. (Can you tell what cut of beef they used just by looking at that brown lump of goodness? I bet not.)

The good news: the end product is usually of more value than the individual parts combined. The bad news: you've no idea how you reached such conclusions, and in academia that spells TROUBLE. Maybe it was brought about by paper A? Book B? Wikipedia article C? Or was it that chat you had with Uncle Tom when you were six?

For me right now though, that's not the main concern. What I'm direly in need of at the moment is more input through reading (the Perceiving part). This is so ironic I could weep, since for 12 long years it was my sole mission to preserve and hone both my curiosity and ability to absorb information. Do forgive me, I was unassisted and clueless back then.

As I was saying, the reasoning (read vicious cycle) goes as such:

Read paper → not very interesting → might get insight once I read more → consult reading list → list super long → daunted → read on anyway → (lather rinse repeat several times) → still can't see where it's going → nagging feeling of guilt → unable to concentrate → read on anyway → (lather rinse repeat several times) → get stressed out → depression sets in → bugger all this for a lark, I'm going to bed for the sake of my sanity.

Did I mention that my mind operates on cosmological time scales? This has become a very serious problem because I'm hopelessly dependant on this particular mode of learning (proof: scored 12/12 for "Global Learner" on a quiz by the University of York) and that my sense of time is practically nonexistent compared to my sense of space. University does not allow enough time for me to ruminate properly. When you haven't even formed any opinions of your own, how do you set about presenting them in an essay?

Epic fail.

Does this mean I'm doomed? Probably. A good friend of mine recently said that my nemesis is structured learning, and that the doctorate environment would be my element. (I cannot thank her enough for that foresight - if anything, it has warded off feelings of worthlessness.) The tragic gut-wrenching part is actually getting to that stage. School has never been kind to me, yet I knew all along that my potential belongs somewhere deep within that intimidating bureaucracy. I knew it at the age of five, curled up with a bowl of congee in front of the TV, being mesmerised by a lecture on seismology.

So all is not lost. Not yet.



Glossary:
Internal language - the way in which the subconscious mind stores and organises thoughts; apparent in dreams as the dominating sensory function (eg sight, hearing etc).
Utility language - the way in which the conscious mind stores and organises thoughts. Mnemonic devices can be classified as such. This can vary quite a lot according to context, for example you can use the phrase "Every Green Bus Drives Fast" (EGBDF) to remember notes on treble clef lines, but can also use that note with the a dash through the middle (middle C) as a reference to figure out what the others are.
External language - the way in which you communicate your thoughts with others, ie as in what we normally mean by "language".


Disclaimer: I'm no psychologist, nor indeed anyone remotely qualified to elaborate on such matters. This is just a model I've come up with to explain my individual case. All terms, ideas and examples devised by the author.

How to print on both sides of the paper

Computers on campus do the deal automatically; they print double-sided (aka two-sided or duplex) without being asked. This was very much taken for granted until I linked my laptop to the campus network, installed a print client & (remote) printer, sent off a doc for printing, and woe betide - it came back single sided. The woe part stems from the fact that 1) printing costs money and 2) the document was a rare whopper.

After searching every nook and cranny of printer settings and help files I was in despair. How oh how does this option show up on campus, but not on my own laptop? Doing it manually with 50-page scripts seemed a good idea a decade ago, but I digress...

The crux of the problem: some obscure widget termed "Duplex Unit". Yes it's a breeze to activate, and no, I didn't figure that out until my supply of clickable tabs was exhausted. To locate aforementioned widget:

Computer > Control Panel > Printers > select, then right click on default printer > Properties > Device Settings > Installable Options > Duplex Unit (for 2-Sided Printing)

(Apologies if you're not using some retarded form of MS Windows.)

Once you've changed it to "installed", the option to print on both sides of the paper will show up in the printer's settings (Printing Preferences > Finishing > Print On Both sides).

You can stop headdesking now.

How to fly in dreams

1. Start lucid dreaming.

2. Run through some place with an open view of the sky. A dusty, sun-scorched village in Africa might work well.

3. Conjure up a sense of urgency. Having a madman hot on your tracks helps.

4. RUN like your life depended on it - it probably will (see above).

5. Spread your arms while running flat out, hazarding a leap or two as you tear through said village. Take notice of your surroundings and your urge to outrun your pursuer.

6. Get desperate.

7. Take a deep breath and launch off in earnest. Gravity will pull you down, but now that you have a split-second experience of what it feels like to fly, nothing can stop you. You have already gained momentum, and also knowledge of flight. That's all you'll need. Keep flapping those arms and bobbing inches from the ground, occasionally scraping your toes through the dirt, steadily, steadily now...a bit higher...and next thing you know, the village has shrunken to a toy town and you really are flying!*


*Well that was how I learned to fly anyway.

The Compulsive Persona's Lines

My mind is set, yet I can but think,
My way is paved, yet I can but sigh;
My cup is full, yet I dare not drink,
My will is dead, yet I must not die.
    And still, the others point and prattle
    And still, my being broils in battle

To those who are trying to save others

There is, as of yet, no strong and solid Grand Unification Theory.

There never will be, for human minds are as wildly diverse as the environments that shape them.

One man's boon is another man's bane.

The lost are not lost if they deem themselves not to be.

There cannot be peace as long as we fail to realise this.

Please live and let live.

Unheard Voices

If I had the chance to advocate, sponsor or organise any human development programme, it would be one that encourages creative writing in the lowest dregs of society.

The unheard of are those we desperately need to hear from.

Music: theory and all

I'm back into music again. It's been heaven-knows-how-many years, but a certain piece at last year's Winter Concert got me hooked, and I've been determined to learn it ever since. Regular trips to the piano room were the first step.

It's been frustrating. Stiffness: tick. Lack of control: tick. Patchy memory of music theory: tick. Worst of all: no sheet music. All my books are at home, and it's been such a long time that I couldn't even pull off a piece without peeking at the first few bars first!

So how did I get by those first few months? If you've ever tried "picking up" a skill after a substantial amount of time, you'll know that muscle memory is your friend. That, and playing by ear. Legend has it that some people can never see the sheets and learn a piece entirely by ear...now that's talent. The best I've ever done is transcribe the melody of songs, then figure out what key they're written in and throw in some chords for good measure.

Legend also has it that people can be technically perfect at everything they attempt, but not know how to improvise. This whole "improvising" thing is darn mysterious isn't it. And alluring. I have an early memory of my first piano teacher improvising - it just took my breath away (it still does). Well that's one more thing on the wishlist I guess. But now I've got the sheets, that can wait.

I can read music without problem, but sight-singing is a whole different matter. Apparently I have zero perfect pitch, which is quite bizarre considering my tonal native language and years of musical training. Relative pitch on the other hand, is definitely my cup of tea: give me a starting note, any note, and I will transpose whole songs on the fly. It comes so naturally that I can't even practise choir parts without playing out the first few notes on the piano. Because of this lack of perfect pitch and a limited vocal range, I transpose nearly everything I sing and find it really hard to sing with standard accompaniments. Hence my disinterest in karaoke.

Afterthought: getting back into music does not mean taking the old route. I don't care if my arpeggios are unbalanced, Czerny and Hanon can go stuff themselves.

How to embed Google Maps in Google Sites

This may seem very obvious, but anyone who's been there knows that copying and pasting the HTML code does not work. The official gadget doesn't work either - you need an API key for that. In fact, I spent a good 1.5 hours wading knee deep in iframes and parameters before realising that the crux of the problem was superfluous ampersand codes. Ah the irony of it all. Being the kindly soul I am, I'm obliged to write up this tutorial in case anyone is tearing their hair out over this matter. Not that I've done so, mind you. (Close though.)

Right. Chop chop.

1. In the Google map you want to embed, click on "link" (in the top right corner), then copy the contents of the box labelled "Paste HTML to embed in website".

2. Paste the chunk of code into Notepad or some other text editor, and locate the URL that comes after "src=". Discard the rest. Then do a search (Ctrl+f) for "amp;", and remove every single instance of "amp;" in the code.

3. In the Google Sites page editor, click on "Insert" > "More" > "Add gadget by URL". Here's the URL:
http://hosting.gmodules.com/ig/gadgets/file/108621208120033273647/my_gadgets_gs.xml

(Updated 21.7.09. The old link from philippe.chappuis.googlepages.com doesn't work anymore)

4. Once you click "Add" the setup panel should come up. Grab the modified code from step 2 and paste it into the "File" field. Adjust settings as needed, click "OK", and voilà - there you have it!

All we're doing here is employing a gadget that does the work of an iframe. (The gadget in question comes from [this page].) But for some stupid reason the iframe codes given out by Google Maps have ampersand codes in place of "&" which renders them quite useless. Ampersand codes are used in HTML to make sure symbols display properly - beats me why they would turn up here.

More on ampersand codes:

HTML Ampersand Character Codes

Slightly tangential - a useful list of parameters I came across earlier:

Google Map Parameters

More than just dreams

I'm currently in the process of sorting out my stew of problems, which means a lot of aimless probing, trying to make sense of it all. It just so happens that I've stumbled across a likely culprit for a good number of issues.

Did I mention I suffer from procrastination, sleep problems and occasional depression (residue of two especially intensive outbreaks)? Well there's another thing that figures in this whole mess - dreams.

Dreams, not nightmares. Dreams so substantial and vivid that it's as if you're living an alternative life. Dreams in which you encounter new experiences, solve complicated problems, and gain memories related to earlier dreams. Dreams that operate on a plane of their own, with their own logic and physics and geography. If I saw a pink umbrella with polka dots on sale, I could make a mental note of it, then relocate it in another dream, some other time - it might still be there, or they might have changed their stock to green striped ones.

Never have I met anyone else in the same situation - but that's probably because people don't usually talk about this kind of stuff. The parallel worlds in The Lives of Christopher Chant (by Diana Wynne Jones) come close, though I obviously don't find sand in my bed after a trek through dream dunes!

The thing is, very few everyday experiences make it into my dreams. This does not necessarily make them unpleasant, only highly different, so much that it makes the transition from one state of mind to another very difficult. I guess this partially explains my reluctance to fall asleep or wake up.

Well I should be off now, to monitor velociraptor behaviour perhaps. Or plan the counterattack at dawn. Or observe the next hourglass storm. You never know ;)

Love

To me,

          LOVE ≈ TRUST.

In definite terms. Which explains a lot. (Hello folks!)

Not sure if this is normal, or am I just too sad??

Early Morning Madness

For some strange reason I woke abruptly at 2am this morning (perhaps it was the fact that I forced myself asleep at 9:40pm??) and had this undeniable urge to write up a shorthand system for recording origami directions. What the??!! (FYI the REM stuff had nothing whatsoever to do with origami)

Even more astounding is the fact that I did exactly that, instead of revising for the GEO101 exam or trying to get back to sleep! Pure MADNESS!!!

So, 7 pages of notes, 3 hours of scratching, 2 test models, and a gazillion versions of code later, I actually came up with a shorthand system that does the job. Fancy that. Not that I'm going to type it all out now, with exams coming up tomorrow...but here are the finished codes for the two models I worked on:

Traditional Crane
>BB. X180 [3-4] Y180 @ IR(3, Y120) @ IR(pp, Y30) MF-lv1!X90 @< Talking Frog (picked randomly from a book)
>PD. (3,1) (2-3,1) FP-DH2 (1-1,pp) D2 FL-D2 SQ-pl (3,1) Y180 (2-3-4):df1 a1a2-DV2 RF-a3-[1-2,3] FL-lv1-(1,2)@!#:df2 MF-[3,5]!Y90 ly2-(df2,df1)<

Oh. And the result of all this madness was that I totally blew my newly established circadian rhythm and slept in til 2pm. Bummer :(

The ULTIMATE Cure For Procrastination

Regarding procrastination self help articles: the people who preach time management and reward mechanisms and whatnot clearly don't get the amazing medical condition that is procrastination. Procrastinators are not dumb (and in all probability way smarter than your average bloke). They know exactly what they should and shouldn't be doing. They have probably researched the underlying psychology so thoroughly that a book length essay on the subject would be a no-brainer. And yet they procrastinate. It's mind-numbingly impossible but it's true.

Therefore I present the ULTIMATE cure for procrastination, sans frills - listen up now -

The key to ending procrastination is simply to press Alt+F4 then "Enter" on your keyboard, in rapid succession.

Alt+F4 then "Enter". Keep doing it. That's it. No strings attached. If it doesn't work then nothing else will, and you can go back to shuffling through that vicious cycle all over again :)


Pssst...you know you're a procrastinator when your subconscious spits out [stuff like this] XD

Insomnia, The Beast

Impossible to tame, dangerous to handle.

It lurks in the darkest corners of your mind, unobtrusive and good-natured, that is, until the lights go out.

It is a sly creature, with a temper of quicksilver and a wit of gold. Do not expect it to fall for the same snare twice in a row. Plan your moves oh so carefully, or else...suffer its displeasure.

It's WAR, grasshopper, an ongoing WAR. I've fought it for over half a decade, I ought to know...back when I was a young'un...

*Cough cough* Enough melodrama.

Here's a taste of the insomnia remedies I've tried, by rough order of success:

1. Screensaver Method

I devised this one myself: as your conscious mind rages out of control, bring up random, morphing mental images in the background. Make it a point to be completely intuitive and let the images flow freely into one another (ASLs may prefer using sounds). You need to be slightly ditzy beforehand for it to work (not guaranteed).

2. Music

Either it WORKS or it fails spectacularly. I've seen my share of dead batteries.

3. Lavender

Whether it's in tea, soap, shower gel, ointment, or the darned thing itself, I've tried it. Works a treat, but only with copious amounts and in conjunction with at least two other remedies. Shame.

4. Full Body Bind

Not the HP kind, you've been warned. It's just my name for a relaxing technique that involves loosening up your every muscle from tip to toe. Takes quite a while, and may sometimes backfire and leave you perkier than before.

5. Sleep Inducing Exercises

Oh the whole bunch. The "descending/ascending the stairs" one. The "3 sights, 3 sounds, 3 senses - real then imagined" one. The "breathe all funny" one. Can't even remember their names. Takes quite a while, and may sometimes backfire and leave you perkier than before.

6. Reverse Psychology

Keep your eyes open, leave the lights on, read something challenging etc. About as useful as long-term weather forecasts.

7. Proper Psychology

Close your eyes, turn the lights off, do mentally unchallenging tasks...did I mention long-term weather forecasts?

8. Eating Healthy

Nice light meal in the early evening, cup of warm milk before bed. Makes about as much difference as the following.

9. Eating Unhealthy

Pig out on various comfort foods. Makes about as much difference as no. 8.

10. Mantra Chanting

Cold be hand and heart and bone, and cold be sleep under...wow perfect trochaic tetrameter...not.

11. Physical Exercise

If a full day of vigorous tree-chopping fails to put you to sleep, I don't see what can.

12. De-stress

The beauty of nagging thoughts is that they actually nag. You can't just put them down on paper and be done with them. That's the whole point, don't you see?

13. Counting Sheep

My record is around 420. Got fed up and did something else.

14. Drugs

Don't be tempted. It's not worth the drowsiness. Melatonin is easier on the system, but it doesn't have much effect on it either (that's probably just me).

15. Quenching Heart Fires With Kidney Waters

It's a practise found in Traditional Chinese Medicine, and simply means "focus your attention on the acupoint in the middle of your soles". I do have plenty of respect for TCM, but surely this is the biggest pile of *&^%$# if there ever was one.

New Year Resolutions To Actually Keep (For A Change)

• 1. List 3 things-to-do every morning.
  
• 2. List 3 things-gone-well every night.
  
• 3. Reward myself a sticker if 2+ items appear on both lists.

It all stems from my listophilia and knack for not ticking items off...resolutions that spawn resolutions, clever eh?

The "every" part is a major challenge, as I've never kept a diary for longer than two weeks :( I hope List2009 goes well; a fortnight of hands-on practice has deemed it rather likely.

Bog-standard

I was reading a long list of British words when one in particular caught my attention: bog-standard. Whoooosh - a split-second rewind to October 2003 when I was first reading OotP - this is what I came across:

"Well, we thought it was a bog-standard chicken until it started breathing fire."

A vague understanding was instantly formed, namely that the chicken in question was not too out-of-the-ordinary, but perhaps by wizarding standards at best. And one could just hear the scratchings coming from the cardboard box.

Fast forward to the present. This is the definition of bog-standard: (UK, somewhat derogatory) ordinary, basic. So there is definitely no wizarding connection. A Google search yields about 349,000 results, and obvious muggle ones at that (as opposed to stuff like "spellotape" and "blast ended skrewts", which yield results in their thousands). And when you try to find out its origins, you find out that everyone else is just as mystified as you are! It seems that this quirky, colourful little phrase just came out of nowhere and latched itself effortlessly onto the public psyche.

Bog-standard, I ask you? Gotta love the British.